How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
