you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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