The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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