My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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