I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
