Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
