Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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