my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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