I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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