my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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