Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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