Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
