I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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