my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
