That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
