Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
