Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
