I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
