: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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