Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
