Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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