I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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