I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize