Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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