I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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