okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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