Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
