Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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