no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
