my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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