dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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