Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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