genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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