If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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