No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Can vaginas get frostbite?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
