Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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