She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize