i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
