the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
