I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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