If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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