My hair reeks of homosexuality.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
