so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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