mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
