My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
