I feel great
I just peed on a car
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
