Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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