I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
