how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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