My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
