Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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