the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
