Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
