got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
