i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
