I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
