in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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