3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
